Queen Elizabeth II poses for a photo during the recording of her Christmas day speech

According to today’s Guardian, our sports-mad monarch’s Christmas broadcast “will focus on how games and exercise can positively give people distance from their dreary little lives”.  Early in the new year Buckingham Palace will issue the queen’s personal exercise video, which includes tips on how to glow with a greyish-white aura.

The obvious choice for a new monarch or head of state — assuming nobody except me wants a goat — is John Cleese.  He’ll have to get rid of the moustache, but he’s very tall and he knows how to deal with foreigners.